Hello everyone who is still reading my diary.

Well nothing happened! I was bored for 2 weeks, then SLUGGISH for 1 week. Mr.K went to school then didn’t go to school then went to school again and Mrs.K (who thinks that I am soooooo handsome) fed me stuff.

I enjoyed hearing about the butterflies that Mrs. Matthews made and they came to visit me...they’re all called Steve!

I enjoy talking to the creatures in the back garden and I’ve made friends with the jackdaws. Jackdaws are smaller than blackbirds but they get into more trouble. I talk to them at wolf light, which is a brilliant time when creatures and other natural things take on the same shape and colour and look the same.

Anyway, Steve the jackdaw decided he wanted to visit me. The only trouble was that he decided to come down the chimney instead of the door. More trouble was that the chimney is blocked up. Well he was chirping away behind the fire and the wall so Mr.K had to make a hole in the wall and wait for him to come out. He sat on a chair and had a right old laugh with me and stayed for about 30 minutes before flying off........I am now not allowed to have any of my friends around to play!

Windsor's diary May Day 2020

Hello everyone, I hope you are well and doing some learning, relaxing ,reading, playing and being good for the grown ups.

Mr. K told me about Mrs.Burns and the POOP episode in her diary. He said that she should be honoured because it is the birds way of dispersing seeds so that they will grow in different places. I thought it was very funny.

I have been watching all of the creatures in the garden lately  and they are very friendly. They are all called Steve for some reason so I chatted to Steve the frog, then Steve the fox and 2 herons called Steve....you get the idea. The creatures are really fascinating.

So I have come up with a chart and it would be great if you could fill it in with the creatures you've seen in your garden.

• Write the name of the critter......not Steve !!
• Find its collective noun....go to    www.thealmightyguru.com for help        I did.
• Decide on a fantastic adjective to describe your critter
•  Write an observation, or an interesting fact

M.K said that there were 2 creatures I couldn't put on my list....Jackdaws, because they call down the chimney at 3.30 in the morning and cats, because they leave dollops on the lawn and its got nothing to do with seed dispersal. Remember "dog toffee" at Dove Stone or Broadbottom? Maybe the collective noun for cats is A Toffee Box of cats.

Windsa’s Insta

Don’t tell Mr. Moss that I mess around on his computer....how do you think I write this stuff!

Windsor’s Diary Tuesday 28th April 2020

I was going to write about “Critters Corner” today but something terrible happened last night.....I had my first ever nightmare. It was my own fault because I had eaten too many bits of sliced grape. Mrs.K, who thinks I’m lovely, said that humans sometimes get bad dreams if they eat too much cheese or watch a scary film. Mr. K gets bad dreams because he supports Newcastle United.

Anyway, my nightmare started when I was watching all the fantastic creatures in the garden that should be there, then all of a sudden these other things started to arrive from the top of the tree...Al Paca, then Ellie Phant came marching up the path, followed by Don Key, C.Lyon, Honey Bee, and Bob Cat. All of a sudden Albert Ross and Jack Russell turned up and Ali Gator was snapping his jaws. Angel Fish was floating in the air and they were all chanting, “Eat the snail...eat the snail...eat the snail...”

I tried to run away but imagined that thing in dreams where you can’t run fast and everything is in slow motion.....well I can’t go fast anyway so you can imagine how slow I was!!

Well I woke up this morning and Mrs.K was very sympathetic and gave me a shower and some cucumber.

All Mr.K wanted to know was if Ken Garoo had been there? He thinks he’s really funny!

Windsor’s diary Monday 27th April 2020

I was sooooo excited (too much Mumsnet) today because Mr.K let me ride shotgun in the car. He had to deliver a food parcel and he let me come too because he said it would have been too long a walk for me.

Don't tell anyone but we made a sneaky visit to the butchers on the way back to get some sausages. Mrs. K said that they’re not essential shopping items for one trip but Mr.K said they were essential items for a fry up.

Anyway, we saw this sign....pretty scary eh?

Just think of all the times you’ve been to Dove Stone and how massive it is....we’ll it’s all shut, closed and no one is allowed in.

Mr.K said that all the creatures that live there must be having a great time with no humans about. This got me thinking....

So I have started to watch the creatures in the garden. I‘m going to call this “Critters Corner”.

Windsa’s Insta

Mr.K can’t wait for lockdown to end so that he can get a haircut!

Windsor’s diary. 26th April 2020

Today’s joke to make Mrs. Matthews laugh:

Where do you find giant snails?

On the end of giant’s fingers.

What do you think of this picture then?

Did you know that my mouth is the size of a pinhead, that is the top of a pin? Not very big eh?

But did you you know that I have over 25,000 teeth?....25 thousand?!!?.....unbelievable isn’t it?

This is a picture of me with my toothbrush.....it’s a job I do twice a day, just like you all should be doing too.

Windsor’s Diary 16th April 2020

How do you like the picture below? It’s me on my surfboard, well cuttlefish bone, but I like to go surfing on it. I am very good at it too although I say so myself. I surf on the soil waves in my cage and use the bits of cucumber as buoys. Not many snails can do surfing but I am an expert....they call me “Lord of the Board.”

Not much has happened really since I last wrote to you.

Mr.K went into school yesterday and had a good time. He also managed to put some graffiti on the classroom wall with chalk...one of the children helped him but he won’t say who. With the help of Mrs Samuel, some children planted sunflower seeds and KM has really developed his tennis and fielding skills.

Thats all I know.

When Mr.K came down for breakfast today, I talked some surf talk to him. Do you know what this means?

           “So I took off on this bomb of a lefthander, it jacked as it hit the inside bank and the lip chucked right out......dude!”

No?......Mr.K doesn’t know either!!

See you soon

Windsor.

Happy Easter everyone🐌🐌

Well it’s not been a happy day for me so far because I am not allowed my eggs.....not chocolate ones, special snail Easter eggs. Mr and Mrs K are not talking to me at the moment and this is why. You decide what I have done wrong because I was only trying to help.

Can you see the photo of the toilet paper below?

Well the humans were talking about rationing and I remembered the work about WW2 in Y5 when evacuees had small amounts of food, clothing and household items to last each week. 
So one night last week when the house was asleep, I decided to be helpful.

I dated all the pieces of toilet roll to help Mr.K use them sensibly and used his best sharpie.

The next morning, he was very angry with me ( if he was a rabbit he’d be a HOT CROSS BUN) and asked how much I had done and I said,

”Only up to 24th April.......

............2022!!!”

He then asked what he was supposed to do if Mrs.K had used the piece for the day and I said that he could always use the other side!.......no Easter eggs for me now.

Windsor’s Diary 06.04.20

See everyone, anything Mountbatten can do on Mrs. Matthews’ page, I can do too. This is a photo of me pretending to escape over the weekend. I wasn’t really escaping because I don’t know where I’d escape to....the toaster is too dangerous and hot, the washing machine is too wet and speedy, you mustn’t play with ovens, so I’m much safer in my own house.

Can you see my foot?

I taught Mr.K a trick with his foot and he’s been trying to work out how it happens all weekend. Here’s what you do:

1.  Stand up and start rotating/turning your RIGHT foot in a clockwise direction.

2.  When you’re going along nicely with this, with your RIGHT hand, draw a 6 in the air.

3.  Your foot will have changed direction and will be moving ANTI clockwise.

Its a well known trick in Snail Land and it was funny watching Mr.K getting madder and madder.

I’ve made a list of things you can try when you’re out in your garden or on a walk. It’s like things you do at Forest School but if you can keep a record in your diary or show me a photo that would be fantastic. Remember that you will need to do some of these with an adult.

• Plant something, grow something , eat something.
• Go on a bug hunt
• Cook on a campfire
• Build a bug hotel
• Catch a falling leaf for luck
• Bring up a butterfly
• Go on a nature walk at night
• Climb a tree
• Camp out in your garden
• Build a den
• Run around in the rain
• Make mud art
•  Set up a snail race........but don’t invite me!
•  Create some wild art
•  Make and play a grass trumpet
•  Go star gazing
•  Carefully hold a scary insect

See how you get on!

Windsor’s Diary 02.04.20

Hello friends of Windsor

I’ll give you today’s joke now:

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.............hope you’re reading Mrs.Matthews, the standard is getting higher!

Today Mr.K decided to make a list of jobs to do while Mrs.K was being very busy. I watched him very carefully and this is what he wrote:

1. Decide to make a list of jobs to do.

2. Find paper pad and pen.

3. Look for another pen because the first one doesn’t work.

4. Find packet of chocolate crunch biscuits while looking for new pen.

5. Eat a chocolate crunch biscuit to check that they’re not soft or out of date.

6. Write “Jobs to do” at top of paper.

7. Write the date 02.04.20....(note the dots Millie )

8. Decide to make a cup of tea.

9. Have another biscuit to go with the brew.

10. Chuck the list in the bin.

As you can see, this is a rubbish list and Mr. K is not trying hard enough. So I was wondering if you can all make a sensible list to help everyone in your house. Let me know how you got on.

I’m off for some cucumber now so later I’ll make a list of Forest School things you could try at home and type it up tomorrow.

’Bye for now

Windsor’s Diary  April Fools Day

Well I finally woke up and had some grape and a slice of cucumber for breakfast. I also like to eat fish food flakes made into a watery paste. It sounds and smells disgusting but tastes delicious.

What do you think of that picture of me sleeping? I have a beautiful shell don’t I? Do you know why it’s so shiny?

It’s because I use Mrs. Kieran’s SNAIL VARNISH on it!

You see Mrs. Matthews, the jokes have improved already!!

So it was April Fool’s Day today....did any of you play some pranks on your family?

I decided to fool Mr and Mrs.Kieran by hiding.

When they were having breakfast, Mrs K looked at my house and said that she couldn’t see me. (Mr.K said a word that he can’t say at school.....or anywhere really).

They both left their toast and had a look for me. I wasn’t buried in the soil....I wasn’t under my surf board (cuttlefish)....it was a bit of a quiz....then they saw me hanging upside down  from the roof of my house. They didn’t know that was one of my talents.

The best thing is that Mr.K can’t prank me back because you’re not allowed to do April Fool returns after noon.

1-0 to Windsor

’Bye for now

I’ve been sleeping for the last 2 days and Mr. Kieran says I have to be a tiny bit more exciting if I want to carry on writing my diary.

Windsor’s Diary March 29th 2020

Hello

If you are in Mrs.Matthews’ class, you will know that I am her African snail who went for a holiday in Mr. Kieran’s classroom.

However, because he had to take me to his house when the school closed, I have found myself on another holiday. I will try to keep you up to date with my adventures.

One thing I do know is that the jokes I tell you will be better than the ones on Mrs Matthews’ pages.

’Bye for now!